Diary Of A Mathophobe

To say that I am not a math person is an understatement. In fact, I am the opposite—I am a mathophobe. If just the word "math" makes my heart race and my palms sweat, you can only imagine how I feel when I am asked to demonstrate my knowledge of math, or rather, my lack of. I have cried during math exams, had anxiety attacks while doing math homework, and, overall, felt paralyzed by my math anxiety. Those who have never experienced math anxiety do not understand how difficult it is. It is not laziness or lack of effort; it is a genuine struggle. 

I have never excelled at math. Ever since kindergarten, math has been the subject that I struggle with the most. Although I did not like and was not good at math in elementary school, I did not develop anxiety about it until middle school. It did not help that my sixth grade math teacher accused me of not paying attention every time I asked a question, so I avoided asking for the help I needed and I fell behind. I dreaded going to math class because I left in tears almost every day. It was discouraging and embarrassing. I have honestly given math a chance. In grade school, I spent hours each night doing math homework and preparing for math exams. I read math help books, studied with tutors, and attended every after-school math program that was held, but my efforts were fruitless. No matter how hard I tried, my grades remained low. Because I failed the Algebra Regents exam in high school and the math entrance exam in college, I had to take Intermediate Algebra in my freshman year of college as a prerequisite to the math courses required for my major. I was determined to pass; if I failed, I would not be able to graduate on time. I worked harder than I ever have, and it paid off; I received a B-, which is the highest grade I have ever received in a math course. For the first time, I had confidence in my abilities as a math student. 

Will I ever excel in math? I doubt it. However, I am becoming more comfortable with it, which is an important step in becoming a better math student, and in turn, a better math teacher. Teachers must be comfortable with the subjects they teach because their feelings about subjects influence their students' feelings about subjects. If teachers are anxious about math, their students will be under the impression that math is scary, and they will approach it negatively. As an aspiring educator, it is my responsibility to help my students have confidence in their abilities to learn. I want my students to enjoy learning, not fear it. In order to do so, I must become comfortable with the subjects I will be teaching, including math. I not only want to overcome mathophobia for myself, but for my future students. If being a mathophobe has taught me anything, it is to be patient with struggling students. As an aspiring special education teacher, I must be able to cater to students of all abilities, including those who require extra help. 

I may never find math to be as easy as pi (pun intended), but if I have confidence in my abilities, I might just make the grade.